Why do women get involved with deadbeat dads?

I welcome requests from people to write about particular topics and I chuckle when they tell me what to say.  

It’s an interesting phenomena to speak with people who want to say something they deem important, but would rather someone else say it on their behalf. Such is the case for today’s topic — one which I feel I have a fair amount of insight.

As a single lady, I’ve met my share of ‘doozies’ on the dating circuit. I recently shared with a gentleman that I’ve devised a bit of a mental checklist for a guy I may choose to go out with – or not. 

You see, experience teaches us a few things on what to accept and what to reject. I refuse to settle for just any old Joe Blow for the sake of companionship. The issues that I may inherit may far outweigh the peace and sanity I desire.  

Now don’t get me wrong. I believe there’s a Mr or Ms Right out there for everyone, but clinging to one that comes along saying the right words and demonstrating feel good behaviour is definitely not my style. 

However, we all know of someone whose style this suits. 

That’s not to say I haven’t done it a time or two – but shortly after it happens, I know it’s time to exit stage left. 

I refer now to a Facebook status I recently posted which became inundated with feedback — mostly from commentators who were simply disgusted at the very thought. A few people complained it gave them an instant headache, just reading the scenario.  So here it is.

A female has more than one child by more than one man. She’s never been married to any of them. Her children’s fathers are not involved in their lives — commonly referred to as deadbeat. 

However, she has recently fallen in love with a male who has several children with several females and he cares for none of them.  Additionally he’s an alcoholic. 

The ex-wife of this male, who bore two of his offspring, is involved with an endless battle in the courts to get some kind of remuneration from this chap — and as her wallet empties, so does her energy supply.  

The question is two-fold. What does this say about the female’s self-esteem, to get herself involved with a male like this? And how does the man even live with himself knowing that all of his children are out there being cared for anyone other than him — while he’s involved with a female who has children of her own that he’s highly unlikely to care for? 

Okay — you just got a headache too. A bigger question would be, ‘how are all of these children of these two persons affected’?

What is it about the need for companionship that causes people to open themselves up to other people who would commonly have been described as “wuffless” back in the day? Bermudians know the depth of meaning of that word. 

Why do females allow men into their lives knowing full well that he does not take care of his children? Oh wait — I get it. She believes everything he tells her about the mother and sees none of his negligence displayed toward her. 

Ladies, take this from me. It may be a painful exercise, but try it. I have! If you get yourself involved with someone who has children, have a conversation with the mother — or mothers — to find out more about your supposed knight in shining armour.

You should be able to decipher the difference between her bitterness or her genuine disgust. If you’re really lucky, she may tell you how great he is and confirm that the relationship simply didn’t work for them. 

Guys, if you know you’re a deadbeat, put your selfish pleasures aside and put your energies where they are needed — building positive relationships through quality time with your children.  

No amount of emotional satisfaction that you seek from another will ever replace the bond you ought to have for your children or the esteem you ought to have for yourself. 

Shawnette Somner is a mother and educator. Email [email protected]