Burton's Banter: Bermuda's circle of life

Well, what do you know? 2013 is almost history.

Before you can say ‘what about the referendum on gaming?’ we’ll be hurtling into the new year with renewed optimism, grand plans... and a raging hangover.

Frankly, I’m back where I started — getting p*ss-wet through on my bike and having one shot too many in Coconut Rock.

Don’t get me wrong, to steal a phrase from our US cousins, 2013 has been a whole bunch of fun. But a year on the island is like the Circle of Life — without Elton, mercifully.

A quick online search rather brutally timelines our presence on earth as: sex, born, relationships, become grandparents, die.

Thankfully, like most things on The Rock, it’s never that dull. So here’s the full circle of Bermuda.

Sex

Of course, carrying on the Big Man’s mission of pro-creation (or at least practising it) is not confined to any one part of the year. And like our golf courses and churches, I’m pretty sure our sex-per-square mile is consistently high.

The festive period, though, is the season of office parties and wild abandon. The time of the year when inhibitions — and standards — are lowered whether you’re in Front Street, Woody’s or the White Horse.

Dreams of finding the perfect mate are reduced to ‘you’ll do’ and so life, intentionally or otherwise, begins.

Birth

In January to April, like the first few months of life, not a lot happens. It’s like the gestation period. 

You’re better off chilling out and saving your energy and cash for when it all kicks off, which tends to be May 24. Then the island emerges from the dark and embraces the light, the parade and the fact, of course, that’s it now socially acceptable to go for a swim.

Relationships

The summer has begun and boy are you up for it. ‘Yes’ is the most common word. You want to come down the beach? Yes. Take a boat out? Yes. Got the beers? Yes. Six-packs and bikini bodies? Yes. Another Dark ‘n Stormy? Girl please…YES. What about him/her? What the hell, yes. Put your keys in the bowl? Yes… wait, what?

Grandparents

Once you’ve rocked a summer and got through it, you’ll feel like Gandalf — a wise old beard with a solution for everything. And like The Hobbit you’ll go on and on about it, eager to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

Death

This happens in the immediate aftermath of Cup Match. When four days of excess results in a full-body shutdown, a self-imposed exile and a vow never to smash another black ‘n’ coke as long as you live. 

No regrets, though, it’s been a life well lived. 

You loved, you’ve lost, you’ve thrown up over the side of a boat on non-mariners… but it’s now time for a rest.

Just like those pesky Lionfish, though, you come back stronger and before you know it you’ve come full circle, stumbling up to the bar in your Santa hat, whispering not-so-sweet nothings to the accounts girl you ambitiously think you have a chance with.

She might talk to you, she might walk away... she might call the police. Who knows how it’s going to turn out? It’s a new circle. 

Enjoy. Happy holidays.