Team Bermuda is locked into a life-or-death struggle

Bermuda is playing an interesting game. But it is a game to the death.  

Unlike FIFA football where one team plays one other team on one field; Bermuda is in a winner-takes-all scramble where there are about 200 teams on the same field with all 200 playing at the same time, and all playing to win. Teams range from super teams like the USA and China down to small teams like Caymans and Guernsey and include crazy teams like Afghanistan and Zimbabwe.

In our democracy, Bermuda’s team managers and players are chosen through the erratic and unpredictable process of the ballot box. In the last team selection process, what did Bermuda get? 

Stadium Manager. With thousands of people, some well behaved as well as some ‘yobs’ and ‘gangsters’, in the stands, somebody – usually somebody we don’t know — has to keep an eye on the crowd and keep the hotheads – some in every crowd – from running onto the field and stopping or disrupting play. Team Bermuda’s Chief Steward is the ‘milkman’, Michael Dunkley. With his gun-totin’ boys in blue and a strong judiciary, ‘Moo-Moo Michael’ must keep the peace so that the game can be played.

Team Manager. Every team needs and must have a manager. The manager’s job is to select the guys who go on the field and ultimately score or save the goals. Team Bermuda’s Harry Redknapp is Craig Cannonier.

Team Physio. Usually, an un-named guy who grabs the medical bag, runs on the field, sprays stuff or sticks a bandage on a downed player; or orders up the stretcher and gets a player carried off; then gets off the field.  Team Bermuda’s Physio is Shawn Crockwell. ‘Slick Shawn’ darts on and off the pitch keeping the badly battered and bruised Tourism player as alive and active as he can. But ‘Slick’s’ gotta’ get that gambling bandage on the correct leg.

Defender. Our Rio Ferdinand? The lynchpin of our defence line is long lean lanky Michael Fahy. His job is to deal mercilessly but correctly with erratic and mis-guided Bermudian players who are all too ready to bang in own goals like ‘term limits’ on business residents. In addition he has to keep getting the ball forward to our striker. He does this by clearing away Immigration’s infamous red tape and time-wasting and useless passing around of our balls in our own half. ‘Lanky’ may move with the jerky inelegance of a giraffe, but he moves.

Goalkeeper. Our Joe Hart? None other than ‘bald’ Bob. His job is to keep any more balls from going into Bermuda’s net. For the past nine years, Team Bermuda has been banging in lots of own goals into Bermuda’s net. Some of our competition has been sitting back looking at us and chuckling as they see us make all the classic errors of overspending and under-earning. With his July 2013 bet of $750 million,  ‘Bald Bob’ is now firmly set between the posts, carefully balanced on his toes, and ready to start putting an end to the nine year-long succession of own goals.

Striker. Keeping order is important.  Managing and bandaging is fine. Defending and saving is even better. Ultimately, though, striking and scoring – in the opponent’s goal – is what is critically important. So who is our Nahki Wells – our bang ‘em in at Wembley guy? It’s the tall, lean, ascetic Grant Gibbons – the grey man. ‘Grey Grant’ has to dash all over the field — globe — skilfully scooping up balls from all the other 199 players. In this global game-to-the-death, ‘Grey Grant’ must then bang those balls into any of the other nets. ‘Grey Grant’ scores by bringing new business to Bermuda. He is Team Bermuda’s key player. 

If we don’t score, Team Bermuda will lose. Striker ‘Grey Grant’ needs Bermuda’s support. ‘Grey Grant’ must score.