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Dear Santa,

I’ve been a VERY good boy this year, despite what you might have heard from certain people. I might have been a bit too hyperbolic on one or two occasions for some peoples’ taste, but I haven’t told any lies. However, it does appear that the Government’s secret agreement with Cuba is not a secret after all.

The Minister sent me a copy for my very own. It seems there is no need to play PATI-cake with Mr. Butler — ask and you shall receive. If only it were as simple as that for the rest of Government.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I’m not going to ask you for anything for myself, but there are a few people I know who really deserve to have their stockings stuffed this year.

You remember The Colonel don’t you Santa? He was famous a few years ago and then fell from grace and we all thought we’d seen the last of him. Well he’s baaaack! And from what I understand he’s got some problem with women’s underwear. He seems to especially disapprove of something called ‘house knickers’. I’m not sure what they are, but he definitely doesn’t want them anywhere near him or his radio programme. So to be on the safe side you’d better cancel all his presents that might be considered lingerie. But his day job is where he faces the real problem. He’s already got a cement maker and some toy houses but he could really use an erector set.

Then there’s Ewart. When tourist arrival numbers go up he takes the credit, but when they go down its because the hotels aren’t pulling their weight. He travels an awful lot Santa, so he needs some reading material to help pass the time in all those first class cabins, five star hotels and airport executive lounges. I think ‘Fish where the fish are’ and ‘That’s Entertainment’ will make a good start.

And don’t forget Lois. She just wants some new fogies — she’s sick and tired of the old ones. I’m not privy to her counsel, but she seems to prefer the ones they have in the Caribbean. So if you pick some up on your way through I’m sure she’ll like them — I don’t think it matters which ones, just as long as they’re not English.

Poor Terry has been very patient for a long time now. Alex, Ashfield and now David have all promised him a new school but none of them have ever been able to deliver. Also, he can’t seem to get more than half the students to graduate. Apparently the problem is the naming of the buildings, so leave him some nice cedar plaques so that when he finally divines the magic names he can have them posted quickly.

And Tony B. has been having a lot of trouble with his computer this year. If he’s not getting other people’s e-mails by mistake he’s sending messages to people he didn’t intend. And no matter what he says somebody gets mad. I think the book “E-mail and computer etiquette for people who look like they need it” would help him a lot.

I’ve recently heard that Grant might have a problem with his complexion. I haven’t noticed myself, but then I’m not that hung up on looks (unless we’re talking about Russian teenage female tennis players). However, a lot of people here still seem pretty superficial, so maybe a gift certificate to Strands Skin Clinic will help clear things up.

Little boys and their toys

Last, but certainly not least is Alex. He’s not as popular as he used to be. You see he’s fixated on a new game called ‘Independence’ and he just won’t let it go. Almost nobody wants to play it with him — we just can’t see the point. We keep trying to tell him that we don’t want to play, but he won’t listen.

He insists it’s the best thing since ‘Emancipation’ and thinks we should just keep quiet and go along with him. So please give him an espresso machine so he can wake up and smell the coffee.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy Festivus.

Your friend, Fred

P.S. If you have a spare big screen TV with built in DVR I wouldn’t complain if you left it with me.[[In-content Ad]]

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