What goes through the mind of a Non-Mariner?

WEDNESDAY, JULY 27: It takes a rather irreverent humour to successfully compete in the annual Non-Mariners’ Race.

From thinking to sinking it requires a dedicated observation of the daily headlines and a creative mind to make sweet satire in the form of a barely floating structure.

According to avid non-mariner Alex Jones, one crucial part of a good raft up is to have an excellent bribe for the judges — “usually something alcoholic and cold will earn some bonus points.”

Jones has been a part of this historic non-race for many years. While he is not at liberty to reveal the details of this year’s masterpiece, he agreed to enlighten our readers on the entries he and his team-mates have worked on over the years. All he would disclose about this year’s entry was that it required two “large and comfortable” lazy-boy chairs or a couch.

Well, sit back and enjoy some of the absurd creations Jones and his team mates have submitted in years gone by.

What goes into the planning process?  

The most planning we really ever did was on the back of a napkin at Frescos...that was for the 2007 Transparent Government raft that was impossible to see into. (Pictured opposite top right).

Where do the ideas come from?

Idea generation is the only long-term part of the Non-Race.

Because the event is a celebration of complete and utter incompetence and inability to do anything right, we often end up with political themes and so we do keep note of the headlines and pull those most ripe for parody into a group of ideas before using the one with the best tag line.

How much time goes into the building of the non-boat?

Generally the building process starts the day before when we go on a mission to trash piles across the island. We load up my boat with the materials and the regular kit of tools — a hammer, a crowbar, nails, and spray paint that we need to make our vision a reality...and there’s also a suitable bribe for the judges.

In 2010, we pulled together an event at the absolute last minute.

Thanks to some foreign women who happened to have shown up, we made bouquets from Spanish Bayonet flowers, tucked white trash bags in their hair as veils and had the foreign brides we needed to make our SOB (Spouse of Bermudian) Refugee raft a success.

What do you do on the day?

As a general rule, we show up early — around 9am on the starting beach, crack our beers early and improvise with what we’ve got or can buy, steal, or borrow on the day.

With Telford’s just up the road there is a hardware store for any crucial tools or fasteners but beyond that we just rely on our ingenuity and skill, which is why rafts often sink well before they make it to the turnaround point.

The swan we built on the 2009 Boat Of No Confidence” was cobbled together on the morning using empty Heiniken boxes, white trash bags, spray paint, floats and palettes.

Not only was the Boat Of No Confidence poorly built at the last minute, it also suffered from major inherent flaws that caused it to flip over before the race even began.