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My favourite uncle often says: "Getting old ain't for sissies... but it beats the alternative." He's in his nineties so he should know.

Everyone's body changes as they grow older and all men are destined to wake up one morning to look in the mirror to see their father staring back.

Not their father as he is now but as they remember him from childhood.

It's happened to me and it will happen to all of you... unless you look like your mother, in which case you may have other issues.

Youth is wasted on the young. If you are under 30, enjoy your body and the things it can do because there will soon come a time when it will no longer be able to do them. I don't mean do stupid things that can get you and others killed.

But if you've always wanted to bungee jump, do it soon, because there will come a time (and it will get here sooner than you think) when your knees will struggle to take the strain of getting in and out of a comfy chair let alone the full weight of your body plunging to earth at terminal velocity.

Getting in and out of bed will become an event accompanied by sound effects you used to only hear during activities carried out once you were in.

One thing that doesn't change however is that these noises are still just as distracting to your partner... but hopefully for completely different reasons.

One rite of passage into middle age is now the dreaded colonoscopy and I have now successfully completed the rituals - or should I say trials. The first test is to eat nothing the day before - only clear liquids are allowed.

This was not as bad as it sounds - if you keep drinking you won't feel hungry. Of course you will need cooperation from your significant other - they will have to eat elsewhere to avoid torturing you with delicious aromas.

HUNGER

You should also try to avoid television. I never before noticed how many ads there are for food.

And I had my procedure booked for the day after Thanksgiving so it was even worse than usual.

But even if you are tempted by aromas and images of delicious food, have no fear. Soon your hunger pangs will be gone.

Once you start drinking the concoction required to "cleanse the bowels" you will no longer feel hungry. Despite what you may have heard, it does not taste foul. At least not if you enjoy lemonade made with seawater.

The second litre is more difficult to swallow than the first.

But it works quickly too so be sure you have Charmin on hand.

The KEMH outpatient surgery is a lot like the departure gate for every flight bound for Bermuda.

You're going to know somebody there - or they will know you.

And since you can hear pretty much every conversation in the room, don't be surprised if news of your procedure precedes your return to your work-a-day world.

The procedure itself is a dream - literally. A little anaesthesia and you wake up a half an hour later well rested and none the worse for wear.

And there are all these lovely ladies urging you to break wind. In my experience, in all other situations women disapprove of flatulence. But here they actually wanted you to "let one go".

Even my mates who appreciate a good flatus never actually encourage emission.

This effect does linger a bit after your release from hospital.

I know my wife wasn't pleased and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to use this as an excuse for the occasional "basso profundo".

But I think the dogs are grateful for not being blamed all the time.

All in all it's a breeze (no pun intended).

The worst part is easily the brackish concoction you need to consume the night before. Once you get that down the rest is easy.

And don't worry about residual discomfort, there are much bigger pains in the butt on Parliament Hill.[[In-content Ad]]

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