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Dear Santa,

I've been a very good boy this year, despite what you might have heard - that incident with the kangaroo was just a misunderstanding and besides, it occurred during Rugby Week so I really don't think it should count. In any event, the stock market has really hit my early retirement plans hard and things don't look like they're going to get better any time soon. So this year all I need cash.

Of course inflation is really high here in Bermuda so I need a bit more than last year. Our Members of Parliament think a 30 per cent raise is fair for them so if they deserve that then I deserve at least as much. After all, unlike them, I actually have to turn up every day.

Now Santa, I believe the best presents are the things that people wouldn't buy for themselves. And I have some friends who really need a few things that they don't know that they need so I was wondering if you could do me a favour and take care of them when you're in the neighbourhood. I'd do it myself, but as I explained I'm a bit strapped for cash at the moment.

First of all, The Bermuda Electric Light Company REALLY needs a better purchasing department.

Next is my aceboy Julian, and he's a difficult case. I was going to ask you to bring him lots of money so he wouldn't have to be bankrupt anymore, but it seems his mates in the government are going to get the rules changed so it won't matter how much he owes. He is a lawyer though, so I guess he could use a conscience - just like the rest of 'em.

Then there's everyone's favourite ex-pat Greg Slayton - or as I like to call him "The Cat in the Hat". Bermuda hasn't seen a man with his mix-n-match sartorial style since Tommy Tucker. Well Santa, Greg's just got a new boss so he's about to be sent home. And to be sure that he doesn't forget his time here I think he needs a new ensemble: pink shirt, some madras Bermuda shorts, a pair of Docksiders and no socks.

My mate Ewart is hosting the PGA Grand Slam of Golf at the Port Royal Golf Course in October. He doesn't realize it yet, but he's going to need a whole lot of Miracle Gro if he actually wants there to be grass on the fairways by then. So I'd appreciate it if you could arrange that. After all these years waiting for Tiger to show up it would be a shame for us to be embarrassed on International Television.

Dr. Brown need a sturdy 'cabinet'

Also Ewart really needs a book on furniture making. I gather he's having a terrible time trying to construct a cabinet that does exactly what he wants it to do. He keeps shuffling things around, but he's still not happy with the results.

Of course I'm not sure that Ewart deserves any gifts this year as his desperate attempts to stir up anti-British sentiment get more pathetic as the alleged offences become more trivial. These pitiful efforts to generate a groundswell of support for independence are the most transparent thing he's done since he fired Randy Horton.

But why am I telling you this Santa? I'm sure you can keep you're "Naughty or Nice List" up to date without my help.

At the risk of being accused of bandwagon jumping I think Bermuda needs one of those new "Obama Style Leaders" that everyone's talking about. You know, the kind that rises above petty vindictiveness and brings people together to build a better future. Apparently they actually campaign on the issues and don't rely on perpetuating racial tensions to garner support. Imagine that.

Of course, if the Premier's Band played a less divisive tune maybe we could jump on board their wagon - but a lot of us are obviously not welcome. We need a Leader who can score better on the "Obameter". I know that's asking a lot Santa, but isn't Christmas supposed to be about miracles?

And speaking of miracles, I'd like to get something for the Minister of Education, but we've had so many in the last ten years that I've lost track of who that is. But, I'm sure you can find the right person Santa so please give them something that they don't have ... a prayer.[[In-content Ad]]

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