How I broke free from abusive relationship with my husband

FRIDAY, AUGUST 10: Editor’s note: This column was submitted to us by a female survivor of an abusive relationship, via the Centre Against Abuse, on condition of anonymity.

Is it love? When you’re in a relationship having to constantly question ‘why?’

You have to take inventory of your life’s journey in the partnership between a man and a woman.

What changes take place amid such burdens of financial, emotional, sexual and physical abuses? Increasing health challenges caused by emotional eating and drinking binges; returning to the matrimonial home nightly with clenched fists armed to take him down.

This is what I was reduced to — me or him? Who was going to survive?

I frowned at myself of the guilty pleasures of wanting to be free. Free of the growing accusations of infidelity, guilt of leaving him to take control of his financial obligations. Held hostage by the life I had settled for — to be married forever.

It weighed heavy on my emotions that I failed at the partnership of marriage; I wanted it to work so desperately. I failed!

The continued battle for my freedom came at a price — letting go of the life which I became accustomed.

Outward appearances were of the happy and in love couple. But I knew all too well what was happening behind the closed doors.

The past two years have been the hardest struggle ever — it was me or him. How was I going to survive this guilty, unfulfilling and unsatisfied life?  How do I break this cycle of this life?

In September 2011, I was forced to take an inventory of self. I couldn’t stand his scent; my gag reflexes were at their highest. Gagging at the mere fact that he was in my space.

I could smell and taste his blood, the angrier I became. Knowing how disgusted I was by his actions early in 2011 making claims of infidelity to our family, friends or anyone that would listen.

Raping me whilst I slept; preying on his partner — I can still hear him saying: “If you’re not giving it to me, you must be giving it to someone else”.

He continued to defile me and our bed. Probing, personal e-mails, BBM, What’s App messages and call logs.

Unknowingly, he was backing up his partner’s personal messages, storing them on the external hard drive. How can a man reduce himself to this insecure and selfish act?

Infidelity

Mistrust of the partner he chose to serve and protect for life. No evidence of the infidelity of which he was accusing his partner of 11 years.

I recognized I was desperate and needed some help. Help, to bring some light to my very dark days ahead.

Plotting and planning my next step to rid him of my life. Continuing to maintain my integrity, professionalism, protecting the three hearts I brought into the partnership, not to lose my newest hearts, the grandchildren whom I cherished. My lioness instincts had gone into overdrive — into a two-headed cobra that wanted to kill.

The sign of help was being presented, circulated by e-mail and the newspaper. I took the plunge and made e-mail contact to reserve a space. On the day of the first class I was so ready to opt out.

Self, it is time for you to become empowered. I so richly deserve to love and find me again. I completed the classes that gave me the courage to dig deep into my core, reinventing myself.

I left the classes, unaware of the transformation that was to come in 2012. The initial step was the annual physical in January, learning that the emotional pain and eating created a woman of 182lbs.

I was in awe! Knowing I must and should do something about the weight.  During the first quarter of the year I became determined and dedicated to shedding the baggage and weight.

Discipline and follow-through was my empowerment. Turning over the leaf to a new me; knowledge; faith; learning my lessons from the failing partnership. Reviewing my notes from my previous lessons was bringing me hope. Hope of the woman I so desperately wanted to become. 

I no longer wanted to be held hostage or victimized by my partner. He defiled me and our partnership for the last time.

I was so done with the partnership; I actively started looking for somewhere to live. Relocation came; taking the divorce proceeding out of hiatus was next.

I continued to reinvent myself; my spirit was growing and I was very encouraged. I was no longer worrying about the judgments to come; empty tomorrows that emptied the strength of today.

I was finally proud to be a Woman… I survived, the mistakes, still learning lessons, which makes me a woman.

Need help? Contact the Centre Against Abuse: Office: 292-4366. 24-Hour Hotline: 297-8278. Website: www.abusefree.org. Email: [email protected]