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You know driving in Bermuda would be great if everyone was as good a driver as I am. Unfortunately that’s not the case. And it’s not just the maniacs who drive too fast or the idiots who drive too slow. It’s all the other dummies as well. Some people think we need to show more courtesy on the road. I say: ‘to hell with courtesy!’ Just obey the rules of the road!

There are two sides to every road — yours and mine. Why do some people have to drive with half their vehicle on my side of the road? Now I know I’m an anal, “keep the crayon inside the lines” kind of guy, but if you can’t keep all your wheels on your side you shouldn’t be allowed to drive!

Then there’s the fool who stops on a corner or crest of a hill to chat to one of his mates. Listen moron, neither of us can see if there is any oncoming traffic so don’t wave me past. If he’s really a good friend you’ll have his phone number — call him!

The joy of parking

And parking in Hamilton can be very frustrating unless you don’t mind walking six blocks in the rain. It’s especially bad if all you want to do is check the post office to see if any of your mail has made it back from its trip to the airport for sorting. Who was the Rhodes Scholar who thought THAT would improve efficiency? If you have to use a parking voucher you can actually be back in your car in less time than it takes to scratch off all those little squares!

And while I’m on the subject of parking, if you don’t have a valid sticker, don’t use handicapped parking bays! Those spots are for the physically challenged not the mentally challenged. That’s why Government built their own parking lot.

And if you’re parked and trying to get back into traffic use your indicators! You never know. I might let you out. Especially if I’ve just spent twenty minutes driving around the block looking for a parking spot.

In fact, the indicator light is probably the most underutilized automotive feature in Bermuda today. The horn being the most over utilized. If you want to change lanes or change roads, using your indicators will transmit your intent to the rest of us — a kind of technological ESP. However, it is important to realize that merely indicating your intention to change direction does not give you right of way to do so. If I choose to maintain my course and speed you just have to wait.

And what’s with all those recreational runners? Those oxymorons. I know it’s called a “sidewalk” but you’re allowed to run on it. The road is for me and my car! And I find myself in a conundrum when I come across one of those “how’s my driving” signs on back of a truck. I’m always driving my car at the time so I would have to use my cellphone to make the call. Is that really encouraging safe driving?

One reason traffic is so bad is the fact that there is an insufficient police presence on the roads. I suppose they’re understaffed, but why are they wasting the two officers permanently stationed outside the U.S. Consulate? There’s never a crowd to control and I doubt a couple of unarmed bobbies would scare off a serious threat.

Driving in Bermuda is stressful and stress occurs when reality does not meet expectations. So to relieve stress you must either change reality or adjust your expectations. And until the Government is prepared to take steps to address the reality we have only one choice: Treat every other road users as if he were an idiot. Expect him/her to do the stupidest thing possible and you will never be disappointed. Expect every red light to be run. Expect the car in front of you to stop or turn without warning. If everyone treated everyone else as idiots we’d all soon be driving safely.

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