Coping with infertility over the holidays

WEDNESDAY, NOV. 28: The holidays are a wonderful time of year. 

Family, friends, food…  It doesn’t get much better, but not everyone sees it that way. There are some people who dread the holidays.  Those who are suffering with infertility find this to be a trying time because it reminds them that they don’t have children to celebrate with. It can be hard to go through yet another holiday season childless, and to watch happy young families enjoying one another.

It is currently estimated that one in six couples is suffering with infertility.  Many suffer in silence as they are afraid to share their feelings with those close to them. Gatherings may invoke others to ask questions like: “Do you have children?” and “Why don’t you have children yet?” 

While unintentional and likely just small talk, these are like punches to the stomach of someone having trouble conceiving.

If you are suffering or know someone who is, here are some tips to navigate through this holiday season, focusing on what matters most to you and surviving the emotional toll it can take. A thoughtful plan of action can help to make this a more meaningful and joyous holiday season. These tips were put together by Reproductive Endocrinologist Mary Hinckley, MD.

Tips for couples coping with infertility during the holidays:

• Plan ahead. Have an answer prepared should someone inquire about your intentions to have children. Although many close friends and relatives will understand, couples shouldn’t feel obligated to disclose personal details about their infertility experiences.
• Be selective with your invitations to holiday celebrations, particularly where you expect to find children or pregnant women. If it will be too difficult to attend, you don’t need to go.
• Anticipate when you might see children at family events. If it’s too painful to be around young nieces, nephews and cousins, consider arriving just in time for a holiday dinner and not the night before.
• Bond with other couples who don’t have children. Plan to spend time with couples or friends who don’t have children if family festivities are too much to bear.
• Decide whether or not to hold any babies before you arrive. For some, holding a baby can bring hope while for others it can be incredibly painful. Well-meaning relatives may want to share in the joy of a new family member as do you, but it is important to listen to your needs first.
• Start new family traditions with your partner, or get out of town. It could be a ski trip or a romantic getaway. Approaching the holiday in a new way may be the best way to enjoy the holiday season.

Infertility etiquette tips for friends & family:

• Don’t minimize the problem by mentioning the hassles of parenting or say there are worse things that could happen. Coping with infertility is painful and only those experiencing it understand how difficult it can be.
• Don’t offer advice or tips on how the couple can fix the situation, whether it’s exercise, food or lifestyle. Rest assured that if the couple has seen a fertility specialist, the physician has already covered these issues. Couples coping with infertility often blame themselves and struggle with this issue.
• Don’t tell the couple to relax and if it is meant to be, it will happen. Doctors consider couples infertile if they have tried unsuccessfully for more than a year to conceive. While stress often appears to be a contributor to infertility, the human reproductive system is complex and affected by a number of biological and physical factors.
• Don’t complain about your own past or present pregnancy. Couples dealing with infertility hope for the day they can worry about pregnancy.
• Do be supportive. Hugs and encouragement go a long way. Spend time together or plan activities that don’t focus on children. Show your love and care.
• Don’t push adoption. Each couple has their own approach to family building, and are well aware of their options. This is a personal topic that they may have considered or struggled with, and it is not appropriate to discuss at a holiday event.

If you would like further support during this time, check to see if Paperwhites might be a good place for you.  Paperwhites is an open infertility peer support group created to share knowledge, feelings and hope. If you are trying to conceive or expand your family, please join us. It’s free. We meet the first Tuesday of each month from 6pm to 7:30pm. Please e-mail, call, or check the website for directions or if you have any other questions. The website is www.paperwhitesbermuda.com.