Santa surfs in, shouldering a sackful of sarcasm

We’re loath to break this news but, contrary to his image as a global ambassador of goodwill,  Santa is not all sweetness and light.

He’s a man on the go with a tight schedule and yes, stress is a factor. Helps explain why he pulled few punches when he sat down for an interview.

The big man prides himself on his wealth of international knowledge and when it comes to who’s been naughty or nice, he’s right up to speed with what’s happening in little ol’ Bermuda. Here’s what he shared. 

Spoiler alert: kids, this is not for you. Politicians might want to cover their eyes, too.

There’s been a row over your origins. Some say you’re American, others suggest you’re from Turkey. So which is it?

I wear a velvet tracksuit and I’m fat — yes I’m American! But my wife’s North Polish.

Any Bermudian blood?

No but one of my elves is Bermudian. He’s off sick today as it’s raining. Could be a spot of a tinselitis. He’s also feeling down after his 6.5% public sector pay cut. He now has low elf-esteem.

How’s recruitment out there in the North Pole?

Easier since we scrapped term limits. We had planned a two-year review but in the end I just had Mrs Claus flip a coin. 

Any trouble finding Bermuda, Santa?

My GPS is pretty good. Mrs Claus says it should be optional because the accountability creates too much pressure.
And I have to admit that given the choice, I’d sit off on the south shore all day with a bottle of black rum rather than fly around delivering gifts. GPS keeps it real.

You got your sleigh through TCD again?

Yup. I know a guy there. This year I was going to fly down with my helpers by private jet, courtesy of some local investors,
but I was told it would be unelfical.

Any trouble parking in the city, Santa?

Sore point. Sleigh got clamped but I’m not worried. I read in the Bermuda Sun that the corporation might not have the law on its side. Team Hamilton, huh? About as effective as my personal trainer. 

Your reindeers in good shape?

It’s a revamped team. We had nine but SAGE forced us to make three layoffs. Now there’s Rudolph, Blitzer, B. Dupperault, C. Furbert, B. Richards and K. Grant. Not easy. They tend to pull in different
directions. 

You’re making a lot of deliveries — do you get any help from the Bermuda Post Office? 

Actually yes — the call went out among staff: “If you do nothing all day and have time on your hands, please help Santa”. Some 687 postal workers signed up.

Where do you stay in Bermuda?

At a ho-ho-ho-tel on the city waterfront. It’s actually a fractional ownership I’ve had for ages — with a 262-year lease. You don’t get crazy deals like that any more!

So who’s been naughty this year?

• Donal Smith and Marc Bean — why are they so scared of gays? Anything you want to share to enlighten us, gentlemen?
 

And who’s been nice?

• Nahki Wells — pride of Bermuda. He hits the net even more often than the  OBA scores own goals.

• Alexander and Andrew Green, who bought the Hamilton Princess. It was a gamble but now that the referendum idea is history, they can cash-in. Go Greens! 

Anything in your gift sack for Nandi Davis?

A car waxing kit. 

Any views on gambling?

You ever tried squeezing a 350lb physique down a Spanish Point chimney? Every day of my working life is a huge gamble.
The elves like to play Crown & Anchor on their furlough days but they use chocolate coins. We were going to have a referendum on using real money but I nixed the idea at the last minute. Question was more loaded than an expat at a Gosling’s wine tasting.  

You’re worldly, having been around the globe a few hundred times — do you think gambling might attract the wrong types to Bermuda?

You mean like the mafia, hookers, pimps and drug traffickers? Hey friend — glass half full — they still count as tourists, right?

We know you like to shop locally while in Bermuda — Has the new 10% discount on Wednesdays helped out this year?

A 10% reduction on a 350% mark-up? Give me a break!

We’ll be selling liquor on Sundays soon — good idea, Santa?

I’m guessing it’s an idea that was not born in sobriety. No one asked for it and besides, what’s wrong with milk and cookies?

Bernews reported that you flipped your sleigh at 3am. What happened?

It was scary. We were swooping down to deliver gifts to the Tourism Ministry but they’d plugged up the chimney. Whole place is being dismantled. Rudolph hit his nose, left it red and swollen.
Ended up at the Lamb Foggo clinic where I bumped into Pat Gordon-Pamplin — she was there having egg removed from her face after a nasty U-turn.

Received any notable wish lists from Bermudians this year?

• Mayor Outerbridge requested a large pair of forceps to extract his foot from his mouth;

• Shawn Crockwell wants a job;

• Senator Fahy wanted a city. Done.

• Received a letter from some lawyers asking for a promotion for a Ms Cindy Clarke. I passed it on to the Governor but apparently his dog ate it;

• 2,000 Bermudians asked me to help the OBA to fulfill its promise to get them a job within the next five years. I wrote back: “Er, you do know I’m not real, right?”

• Craig Cannonier and Marc Bean had the same thing on their wish list. Let’s just say I’ll roll the dice and see if it works out for them; 

• CableVision wrote to me — all they want for Christmas is to air Corporation of Hamilton meetings as reality TV. “In terms of daily drama,” a spokesman wrote, “it would be like a cross between Scandal, Real Housewives and Breaking Bad. Ratings gold — it can’t miss!”

• Alex Scott wants anti-corruption legislation but I’ll give him a time machine, so he can go back a few years to do it himself in time for it to actually come in handy;

• Residents of Palmetto Road want roadworks to be completed sometime this millennium. Won’t be easy because they’ve had traffic lights up there for a year and work hasn’t even started yet;
 
• David Burt asked for Mrs Claus’s special recipe for her North Pole Swizzle Cocktail — sorry David, ain’t happenin’. She signed a non-disclosure claus to fend off competitors.

Any specific requests from the leader of the OBA?

Nope. Mr Dunkley has everything he wants. Well, almost everything...