To talk or not to talk

Two wantaway strikers: one can’t shut up, while the other’s a mute.

Every time Luis Suarez pipes up – usually to a South American newspaper – you can imagine the scene at Wayne Rooney HQ.

Rooney: “Errrm, if Luis is doing it, shouldn’t I, sort of, tell fans why I want to leave Man United. 

“You know, like, so they can maybe understand why I don’t want to stay at one of the, like, biggest clubs in the world and try to become their, like, all-time leading goalscorer.”

Agent: “Not today, Wazza. Best way to get the best deal is to keep quiet. Besides you might say something stupid.”

Rooney: “Errrm, but…I think…you know…like…it’d be boss if…errrm.”

Agent: “Exactly. Have another popsicle, Wazza. And stay away from the media, please.”

Suarez HQ, you suspect, has a rather different dynamic.

Suarez: “I need Champion League, no? Si? Okay, who want mi?”

Agent: “Arsenal”

Suarez: “…que? that it? What about Real? Ancelotti make big promise.”

Agent: *shrugs*

Suarez: “Okay, I go Arsenal. You put good clause in contract right?”

Agent: *silence*

Suarez: “%#%%^$% %#$%^#$^. *rings journalists*

Bottom line, of course, is it looks as if neither are going anywhere, which makes them both look a little stupid. Or does it?

Six months of sulking, rumours, speculation and poor form and Liverpool and United may well decide to cut their losses. One admires the stance of the two clubs – contracts have to have a semblance of relevance, right? – but I can’t help but think player power will win out in the end.

SATURDAY

All times 11am unless stated

Liverpool v Stoke

8:45am

No Suarez, of course, he’s suspended, so it’s up to new boys Iago Aspas and Luis Alberto to seize the moment for the Reds. Stoke have a new manager in Mark Hughes and it will be fascinating to see what direction he takes the team after the rigid, but successful, reign of Tony Pulis.

Prediction: 2-1

Arsenal v Aston Villa

The Gunners will roll our their big-money, high-profile signings...oh, wait, they haven’t got any yet. Fans’ increasing frustration at the lack of spending will be appeased only by a convincing home win. 

Villa have amazingly kept hold of star striker Christian Benteke and will be better for last season’s troubles.

Prediction: 3-2

Norwich v Everton

The Canaries have strengthened well in attack — bringing in Gary Hooper, from Celtic, and Ricky van Wolfswinkel, from Sporting Lisbon — and should be a more competitive unit. Everton have Roberto Martinez at the helm after the departure of David Moyes to United. Transfer business has not been mind-blowing — although Arouna Kone is an adept front-runner — and the changes will probably be more in style (more passing) than personnel.  

Prediction: 1-1

Sunderland v Fulham

The Paolo Di Canio revolution is now in full swing. Ten new players, including USA striker Jozy Altidore, promise a more exciting Black Cats than the one we saw last season. Fulham are on the verge of adding Darren Bent to their roster, which looks a shrewd bit of business.

Prediction: 2-1

West Brom v Southampton

Rickie Lambert will have an extra spring in his step — and rightly so — after his winning goal for England. Saints also have club record Victor Wanyama, signed from Celtic for £12.5m, ready to go.

Prediction: 1-2

West Ham v Cardiff

New boys Cardiff have not been shy splashing the cash — in comes Steven Caulker from Spurs and Gary Medel from Sevilla.

For the Hammers, more of the same under Sam Allardyce is expected. Stewart Downing’s signing from Liverpool points to more crosses for big man Andy Carroll. Shock.

Prediction: 2-0

Swansea v Man Utd

1:30pm

Tricky opener for United’s new boss Moyes as Swansea look to repeat their heroics of last season. After an underwhelming pre-season, and the question of Wayne Rooney’s future refusing to go away,  a win would be a relief. It won’t be easy.

Prediction: 2-2

SUNDAY

Crystal Palace v Tottenham

8:30am

Everyone’s glad to see Ian Holloway back in the top flight — if only for his one-liners. This is a tough baptism for the Palace boss though and, Gareth Bale or no Gareth Bale, Spurs should start the season with a win. 

Prediction: 0-3

Chelsea v Hull

12pm

The return of the Special One — and a routine win, one suspects. How and whether the Portuguese can model a second title-winning team at the Bridge will be essential viewing. 

Prediction: 3-0

MONDAY

Man City v Newcastle

4pm

Manuel Pellegrini now has the job of satisfying the Abu Dhabi rulers’ insatiable appetite for silverware. And they’ve been busy recruiting — Ferndandinho looks a particularly good bit of business.

Newcastle now have Joe Kinnear pulling the strings as director of football. Nope, I can’t understand that one, either.

Prediction:  3-1