---

When it comes to abusive relationships, many of us are bewildered by this simple question: "why do women stay"?

Perhaps the most forgotten and poignant of reasons is that the woman

actually loves her partner. He is often the father of her children and she wants to make the partnership work for the sake of the family unit.

Some traditional explanations include fear, shame, guilt and low self-esteem. Fear and terror manifest in various ways as paralyzing forces throughout a victim's life. She may fear being killed or seriously

injured, leaving her children without a mother to care for them.

Fear of economic insecurity is a real concern, whether she is financially dependent on her partner or not: adults and children become accustomed to a certain economic level.

"It's scary to think of a change in lifestyle," said one woman. "I can't pay bills, feed and clothe my children on my own, never mind afford lawyer's fees."

Some women may be afraid to be alone, with a subconscious belief that an abusive man is better than no man.

Many women dread the judgment of others, be it family or church members, she may believe it is her duty to make the relationship work.

Guilt and shame play a significant role in confining a woman to an abusive relationship.

Perhaps she believes her partner can only change with her help, or that she is in some way to blame for the violence she endures. "If I leave him, I'll be so busy making ends meet, I'll have no time for the children. Besides, I don't want to be labeled 'That type of family'." Friends and family will say "I told you so, you should have never married him in the first place." The eventual result of domestic abuse is debilitating low self-esteem: if our partners constantly tell us we are no good, lousy women and mothers, too stupid to go to school or get a job, we begin to believe we are inadequate, that we cannot manage alone, and that no one else will ever want us.

Trauma bonding

In recent years, a different explanation for why women remain in abusive relationships has been offered. Compelling information about "trauma bonding" describes the effects of trauma on brain chemistry. A trauma bond is evidenced in any relationship wherein the connection defies logic and is very hard to break.

This notion became public back in 1988 during the famous hostage situation in Stockholm, Sweden, when, despite the death threats and harsh treatment, the hostages actually formed affectionate bonds with the captors; two of the hostages actually waited 11 years for their former kidnappers to be released from prison and married them.

The theoretical underpinning of this syndrome is the use of intermittent reinforcement. In this case, abuse or good times occur intermittently. Consider the analogy of a person sitting at a slot machine hour after hour, feeding in her coins.

What keeps her hanging in there is the belief that a win is imminent and worth the inevitable risk of tremendous consequences.

In recent years, information about the psychobiology of trauma helps explain the behaviour of victims who bond with their abusers.

Our bodies are programmed to release a series of chemicals at times of actual or perceived danger. We are familiar with the notion of an adrenaline rush or chemical response to help us respond in ways which will ensure our survival as a species. Whether we 'fight' the threat, 'flee' from threat, or 'freeze' to prevent attack or deaden the pain from the inevitable attack, our bodies are flooded with powerful chemicals to enable a swift and automatic response.

However, when traumatic events are completely overwhelming or repeated too often, the very chemicals that are meant to help us begin to harm our bodies. For both men and women, repeated trauma or the repeated triggering of trauma will actually teach our brains to be in a constant state of fight, flee, or freeze.

As our brains are use-dependent, this constant response to trauma becomes a person's usual state, and for those who are stuck in a trauma bond, the trauma chemistry creates new brain pathways and becomes 'normal' to the victims.

Christine Rhodes is a counsellor with the Women's Resource Centre. Part three will run in Friday's Bermuda Sun.[[In-content Ad]]

---