January 30, 2013 at 5:54 p.m.
Which parenting style have you adopted?
God's design is for a child to have a father and a mother to bring about a balance of discipline and nurturing. Often we find ourselves far from that model. Mothers are frustrated with the lack of support fathers give the children, and many are raising their children on their own. Although some have desired this, others never asked for it and are filled with disappointment of the circumstance they find themselves in, which seems almost forced upon them. How can we refer to God's Word and equip parents to move on from here? Our young people are precious and deserve the best of our time, energy and love.
There are four types of parenting. As I explain each I will offer an example from the Bible and give you further passages to read and "go deeper". These styles are summarized in the chart. Parenting requires two basic elements: one is discipline and the other is involvement. By discipline, I mean correction, rebuke, enforcing, or "towing the line" with your children. By involvement I mean spending time with, caring for, showing your concern for your child - "showing" them that you love them. Notice that parents tend to either be high in one and low in the other.
Let's examine each parenting style and their consequence(s). Our first style in the upper left chart is the Permissive Parent, which I call the "Friend-to-Friend" parent. Because the greatest desire of the Permissive Parent is to be a "friend" of their child rather than the "parent", the mother or father struggle to correct their child because they want to be liked. Despite their high involvement, these parents will not risk jeopardizing the "friendship" with discipline. This style of parenting often produces rebellious teenagers that struggle with authority.
Another dimension produced by a "Friend-to-Friend" parent can be "dependent" parenting. This parent pressures the child to be their help and strength, as the parent sends the message, "Don't leave me - I won't survive!" Sad, but common. The Biblical example of this type of parenting is the relationship between Jacob and young Joseph (Genesis 37:3): a child that can do no wrong, where the involvement is not balanced with correction. Hence as you read this story you will find a father who does not expect him to work (because it's hard to do so in an ornamented robe), and one that seems that he can do no wrong in his father's eyes. Therefore, maybe when he was sold into slavery it was God removing him from a style of parenting that would have resulted in a "spoiled brat".
The second parenting style is Authoritarian, or, the "Hard-to-Please Parent". Exhibiting little to no involvement, this parent spends insufficient quality time with their child, but generously casts out rebukes, corrections, and complaints about the child's life or actions. The child feels trapped, discouraged and frustrated that they cannot meet the expectations of the parent. A "Hard-To-Please" parenting style produces teens that are either performance driven, but at the same time can be ridden with guilt, resulting in high achievers for all the wrong motives. The overall motive tends to be acceptance. A Biblical example of this may very well be the relationship of Saul and his son, Jonathan. Saul wrongly pursued Jonathan's best friend, David with no regard for how this would impact his son. Although Jonathan knew his father was wrong, he dutifully remained in Saul's army, which resulted in a premature death for both Jonathan and his other brothers (1 Samuel 20:30-34).
The third style is Non-Involved parenting, I call this the "Absent and Silent Parent". This parent refrains from both discipline and interaction in the child's life. Although present in the home, the parent shuns involvement in the child's life, which can be more detrimental than if they were not there at all. I believe that David and Absalom may represent a Biblical example of Non-Involved parenting. It seems that David spent little time disciplining or showing love toward his son. Consequently, Absalom later tries to dethrone his father. These children grow into teens that feel neglected, and because no one cares, they stop caring for themselves (2 Samuel 15:1-12; 18:33-19:4).
Finally we come to Authoritative, or "Mature Parenting", the parenting style with the optimal balance of discipline and involvement. Their children know they cannot "cross the line" with disrespect and the parents have reasonable expectations for their children. The "mature parent" communicates an unconditional love, "no matter what happens". This style of parenting provides the best opportunity to produce a mature and confident teenager. While not perfect, they will have a greater sense of stability and purpose. When these teens get off track, their grounding guides them to know what to do and to whom to go when in difficult situations. Timothy is our Biblical example. The positive influence of his grandmother and mother led to his faith in Jesus Christ and later to being an example for so many to follow (2 Timothy 1:5).
Ask God to help you to be the "Mature Parent". Seek to balance the discipline and loving involvement in their lives. Spend quality time with them; they deserve your best. By the time they become teenagers it is usually too late to change core values and habits in their lives, but if you have not it's better to start later than not at all.
Next week we will examine the power of entertainment and music and the role these play in moulding the character of our young people. n
Pastor Gary C. Simons serves as the Senior Pastor of Cornerstone Bible Fellowship, 82 Church Street, Hamilton, Bermuda.
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