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Women are particularly susceptible to bonding with those who traumatize them due to a hormone known as oxytocin. Oxytocin is ­referred to as the bonding hormone and is the chemical that starts the birthing process. It is the reason why a woman has a second child, as it prevents memory consolidation. If women were to fully remember the pain of childbirth, it is unlikely they would repeat the experience, hence it is nature's way of ensuring the continuation of our species.

Oxytocin peaks for about 20 minutes after birth and is critical in the process of bonding to the newborn child. While oxytocin is ­essential for childbirth, it is a liability for any abuse victim. When a woman experiences extreme violence, oxytocin is released, and she is destined to bond with her abuser at some level. There is no consolidated memory of the abuse and it becomes difficult to think and act rationally about the event. Hence a woman's ­response to danger switches from fight or flight to 'tend and befriend'.

Another theory used to explain why victims remain in abusive relationships proposes that violence occurs in a cycle.

This theory presents three main phases: (1) tension-building, (2) acute battering incident, and (3) calm, loving respite. The first phase includes minor incidents of abuse such as verbal attacks. During this stage the victim submits to the wishes of the violent ­individual in order to ­appease the attacker. The second phase contains more severe abuse and is followed by the third phase or the "honeymoon period."

In the third phase, the abuser becomes loving and attentive and apologizes profusely for the attack. The victim believes that the violent behavior will stop and remains in the relationship. The tension building occurs again, however, and the cycle repeats itself, leaving the victim to feel trapped and helpless.

Impact on children

Family violence is a pervasive public health issue that crosses all social boundaries. The United Nations Secretary-General's Study on Violence against Children (2006) reviewed existing studies that measure violence in the home in various countries. Collecting reliable data on this hidden issue poses several challenges. In almost every country, including Bermuda, there is limited data available on the prevalence of domestic violence, and even less information on the numbers of children who may be exposed to such violence. Some countries have no data at all.

Despite these limitations, the research provides a first critical step toward a fuller picture of how many children are exposed to violence in the home. The numbers estimated by the research are staggering. As many as 275 million children worldwide are

exposed to violence in the home. In actuality, millions more children may be affected.

'Domestic,' a word that should imply warmth, nurture, home and family is a word frequently associated with violence. Children depend on parents and caregivers for the basic necessities of life. This relationship is vital in determining the nature of the child's

future relationships and his or her ability to trust others and experience intimacy. Children's exposure to violence has been significantly linked with ­increased depression, anxiety, anger, sleep disturbance and alcohol and drug abuse, and with decreased academic achievement. Physical responses include: stomach and/or headaches; bedwetting; and loss of ability to concentrate.

Behavioural responses include: resistance to going to bed, to school or to leaving the mother; hiding or running away; delayed development of speech, motor and/or cognitive skills;

increased aggression with peers or mother; becoming withdrawn; or engaging in self-harm. Children who experience violence, either as victims or as witnesses, are at increased risk of becoming violent themselves. They begin committing crimes at younger ages, commit nearly twice as many offenses as non-abused children, and are

arrested more frequently than non-abused children. Children who grow up observing their mothers being abused, especially by their fathers, grow up with a role model of intimate

relationships in which one person uses intimidation and violence over the other person to get their way. Because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength, they may grow to ally themselves with the abuser and to lose respect for their seemingly helpless and weakened mother. Abusers typically play into this by putting the mother down in front of her children, telling them that their mother is "crazy" or "stupid" and that they don't have to listen to her. Although adjustment problems relate more to witnessing domestic violence than to separation, not all children who grow up in

violent homes repeat their parents' behaviour.

The best way to ensure the safety of children is to ensure the safety of their mother. If you suspect that a child is being exposed to domestic violence, try to talk to the mother, alone. Express concern for her and her children. Above all, treat her with dignity, compassion and kindness. Listening to and validating her concerns without judgment is the best way forward.

Offer her the number of confidential agencies such as the Women's Resource Centre or the Physical Abuse Shelter, other helping agencies such as legal aid or the Bermuda Housing Corporation.

She is not alone, there are people who care and can help. Help her set up a support system and devise a safety plan; input 911 into her speed dial. Ultimately, it is the woman's choice to stay or to leave, and many women do in fact leave. Leaving is an act of great courage in the face of enormous fear and financial insecurity.

Bringing change

Much can be changed by bringing this problem into the open by raising the awareness of the impact of domestic violence. The message to all must be that domestic violence is damaging to everyone, including children who are exposed to it, and that it can be stopped. Customs that validate domestic violence and dismiss its impact on children must be challenged.

One public information campaign in the United States succeeded in challenging common beliefs and in changing attitudes towards domestic violence. Protective policies put in place by governments must be matched by efforts to change attitudes and traditions that condone abuse. As long as violence in the home is shrouded in

silence, the violence will continue.

Legislation and policies must reinforce the message that domestic violence is a crime,that perpetrators will be punished and victims protected.

These policies must focus on the protection of children and address the

impact of violence in the home on children. Criminalizing domestic violence sends a clear message that violence is not a private matter and is unacceptable. It is essential that protective laws are enforced and offenders held accountable.

Our courts and government departments must have specialised policies in place to address the safety of adult victims of domestic violence and their children, including consideration of custody and visitation rights.

Government must specifically allocate resources to support children who are exposed to violence in the home, within the overall context of prevention and support for adult victims of domestic violence. Housing is a huge hurdle for families who need to move out of an abusive environment. However, the government cannot act alone, we must all do our part.

Remember that the

responsibility for the abuse, including the effects on the children, is entirely the abuser's!

Christine Rhodes is a counsellor with the Women's Resource Centre.[[In-content Ad]]

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