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Writing about the lighter side of the current economic mess is a bit like being the guy at Ford's Theatre in Washington on Good Friday 1865 who asked "Aside from that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"

Recessions are bad but they are a natural and necessary part of any economy. If we don't have bad times how will we appreciate the good? Without night would you enjoy the daytime as much (or vice versa)? Without bad Government how could we appreciate a good one (assuming that there is such a thing)?

If our National Cricket Team were not such an appalling disappointment and waste of funds how could we appreciate the athletes who really want to represent Bermuda and actually make sacrifices and are willing to spend their own money to compete internationally. You know, like Olympic swimmer Roy Allen Burch.

Of course Cabinet seems to have a different view on that matter... or does Sports Minister Glen Blakeney, as he claims, actually have the only opinion that matters? We never did find out which one of them was lying did we?

At least now they might stop sending the cricket team overseas to embarrass themselves. If they only play at home the rest of the world will never see how bad they are and the visiting teams can be used to boost the Department of Tourism's arrival numbers.

I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be writing about the recession and not a regression into an obsession that leads me to depression.

With all the so-called experts throwing jargon around it can get pretty confusing. So I'll try to help you cut through all that economic mumbo jumbo:

Is this a Recession or a Depression? It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours (Harry S Truman).

Inflation: Things always go up (but if it lasts more than 4 hours call a doctor).

Stag-flation: This is often mistaken for an economic term. It is in fact an embarrassing mishap at a bachelor party.

Economic downturns are like hurricanes - often severe, but they always pass. Admittedly this is a pretty bad storm that took just about everyone by surprise, but so was Hurricane Emily. We got through that okay and we'll get through this one too. Sure some people will have lost their roof and many will be without power for longer than is comfortable, but as long we stick together and don't panic we'll all be alright in the end.

That doesn't mean it won't be difficult. Things are already pretty tough. How tough are they?

Things are so tough that corrupt politicians are only getting a 15 per cent gratuity for awarding Government contracts.

It's so bad that drive-by shootings are being committed on push bikes.

Things are so tough that 'Happy Hour' is now called 'It Could Be Worse Hour'.

The Budget's so tight that all unnecessary Government travel is now being booked in coach.

Things are bad, but personally the recession of my hairline is a bigger long term concern. The economy will come back eventually, but 'Hair Club for Men' notwithstanding, once my hair is gone it's gone.

Finally, here are a couple of suggestions for what can you do to help conserve funds during these troubling times:

Use your AIG shares to tip the packers in the grocery store.

Stop sending text messages and actually speak to people. It's low cost and you get to LOL for real. And that's the best medicine.[[In-content Ad]]

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