Living with fertility challenges

Infertility is a disease of the reproductive system.  One third (30 per cent) of infertility can be attributed to male factors, and about one third (30 per cent) can be attributed to female factors.  

In about 20 per cent of cases infertility is unexplained, and the remaining 10 per cent of infertility is caused by a combination of problems in both partners.

Since infertility strikes diverse groups — affecting people from all socioeconomic levels and cutting across all racial, ethnic and religious lines — chances are great that a friend, relative, neighbour or perhaps you are attempting to cope with the medical and emotional aspects of infertility.  If you are on the path, you are not alone.  

Paperwhites is Bermuda’s first fertility peer support group created to share knowledge, feelings and hope.

The name comes from flowers that bloom without soil. So too can a family grow, unconventionally and creatively. Membership is free and open to all. Gatherings happen every first Tuesday at Spirit House at 65 Middle Road, Devonshire.  If you know someone struggling to build their family, there are ways to help.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

n They will eventually conceive a baby.

n They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.

n They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or ­becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your ­emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't tell them to relax:

Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will never successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't minimize the problem:

Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Don't gossip about your friend's condition:

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it.

Don't push adoption (yet):

The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point.

Let them know that you care:

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Support their decision to stop treatments:

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision.  Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives ­behind them. n

Lisa Bagchi is a peer group support leader at Paperwhites. For more information visit: www.paperwhitesbermuda.com or call 538.5472.