January 30, 2013 at 5:54 p.m.
Satire / Freak wave
How the tsunami helped us change for the better
As I look around Bermuda at this festive time of year, it is hard not to wonder at the tremendous heroism and sacrifice our people have undergone in facing the great Bermuda tsunami of 2006.
There are, sadly, just a couple of hundred of us who managed to make it to Gibb's Hill parking lot in time to survive the wall of water that had been building unnoticed for so many winters along Bermuda's northern reefs.
But from the sodden wreckage we are already building a new and better Bermuda.
There is, perhaps, some survivor's guilt. But the parking lot could only hold so many. We should take comfort in the sure and certain knowledge that those we were forced to turn away are now at peace in a better world.
They would have done the same to us if they had been 'gullible' and fled there first. The UN Disaster Commissioner has claimed we are an example of survival of the un-fittest - cowards who fled the fastest, gullible idiots who believed crazy rumours of tidal waves, and selfish louts who blocked the parking lot to other people.
The opposite is true. Our new society is built on those who were fastest, those who had the wherewithal needed to get ahead in this difficult world, and those who were willing to defend their place in it to the very end.
These remarkable Bermudian qualities were evident on Gibb's Hill as the tidal wave bore down upon us, and they are evident today in the way we are rebuilding the structures that made our island great.
Reflect, for a moment, on all that we have accomplished already, and on how much they reflect the spirit of peace and love and understanding that is so much a part of the Christmas season.
We have wisely rejected the UN's efforts to force us to create a two-party system based on the shifting sands of political philosophy.
Instead, we have created two new parties based on time-tested values of family voting history, peer pressure, and real and perceived racial differences and resentments. Even after the tsunami, Bermudians can feel comfortable in knowing who each other votes for, just by looking at them and knowing their last name.
Our new, modern constitution has been implemented, guaranteeing that all elected officials always vote with their designated political party, and that voters are not unduly harassed by referendums, plebiscites or other forms of intrusive consultation. The new constitution also guarantees full human rights for all Christian heterosexuals.
The tsunami has showed the necessity of making all buildings 12 stories tall or higher, and that is now required. To ensure that the safety of our own citizens comes first, non-Bermudians will be required to live and work on the lowest two floors.
With KEMH destroyed, work has begun on a replacement hospital in the Botanical Gardens, where its large concrete footprint will reduce erosion and tree damage from any future tsunami.
The hotel industry is already being re-built, with a new 60-40 rule, requiring hotels to have at least 40 hotel rooms for every 60 private houses they build and sell. Any of those 40 hotel rooms can be used as rental units if they are not occupied, thereby eliminating the island's housing problems.
As our population rebuilds itself, we will prevent the problem of over-crowding on our roads by requiring wider and longer cars, which will be able to hold more people and therefore reduce road congestion. To preserve the environment, all vegetation within 30 feet of roadways will be removed to prevent damage to plants caused by road traffic.
More expats
Bermuda has recognized that, in the wake of the tsunami, we need to allow more non-Bermudians into the island to help make up for the terrible loss of life. But job opportunities must be protected for the 200 or so Bermudians who remain, so strict immigration controls will be maintained.
The six-year term limit will continue to apply, although spouses of Bermudians can apply for a one-time extension of up to three years. However, Bermudians marrying foreigners should remember that not every spouse is key.
Because of the colonial nature of our former planning process, all building is approved by special development orders.
Projects that inject more than $25 million into our economy no longer require permission of any kind.
Finally, it is with great joy, in the midst of this joyous season, that I can report that negotiations are well underway to form a new relationship with the United Kingdom.
There will still be a British Governor, but he will not be permitted to attend any meetings of any kind, or to meet with Bermuda's Prime Minister at all.
While technically independent, Bermuda will retain the right to blame the U.K. for all social problems and natural disasters, including tsunamis.
With these measures in place, I am confident our little country, and the handful of people who were fast enough to make it to the Gibb's Hill parking lot, and brave enough to prevent it from becoming overcrowded, will show they have the genes that it takes to build a new and better Bermuda in 2007.[[In-content Ad]]
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