I have no intention of downgrading any group that meets with an intention to resolve a serious problem. However, that problem first must be defined.

According to Webster, addiction refers to devotion or surrender to something habitually or obsessively. Now, look at your teenagers·do they fit this description as the arrival of their first loves correlate with the decrease in their grade point averages? Do you fit the description? Oops, do I?

Labels are quite scary, really. As psychologists, most professionals are discouraged from ãlabeling.ä Itâs like a self-fulfilling prophesy, or ãpermission.ä

Now, there is some research that suggests that addictive behaviour is more likely if particular parts of the brain have certain sensitivities. But, do you know how much variance is likely accounted for? In alcohol and drugs, an estimated 10 per cent. Oh dear. We may be at least 90 per cent responsible for our own behaviours!

Meanwhile, sexual responses in the brain account for a far higher physiological variance and thus the work, if the problem is major, requires professional care. Moreover, as my colleague Vaughan Mosher of Benedict Associates notes, sufferers remain vulnerable for life. And, when sexual problems get out of control, it is serious.

However, what is ãout of control?ä Is finding your 16-year-old with an adult magazine serious? What if you subscribe? What if we fantasize that Robert Redford has just lost 30 years and has selected ãusä to be his partner? Is that a problem? (It is if Denzel Washington heads my way; but my husband would probably help me pack and go after his dream girl, Julia Roberts, whom he knows awaits him!)

If there seems to be a problem thatâs appropriate for a group level of care, itâs likely that whatâs really going on is that one is lonely, depressed, anxious, or just wants to be cared about.

If they donât feel loved, what might we expect? Likely, after some point, the person will (a) get help (unlikely), (b) pick up lots of good books (even less likely), (c) live at the movies trying to find happiness in fantasy (possible), or (d) look for that ãsoap operaä answer (thatâs all too likely). Thatâs why divorce rates are 50 per cent for first marriages and even higher for the second, third, or thereafter!

Okay, what is the point here?

I suggest that anyone who organizes or attends a group on ãsexual addiction,ä or any other ãaddictionä ÷ alcohol, drugs, pinball machines, shopping, and so on ÷ expects the ãbest.ä

If one finds that people are talking over and over and over again about their ãterribleä or ãwonderfulä experiences with ãsexual addictionä or anything else, thereâs a problem. One of the first tenets of addiction groups is: when you hear people ãawfulizingä or ãcatastrophizing,ä itâs not okay. Answers are found in solutions ÷ not problems.

My view is that sex isnât likely the problem ÷ itâs the symptom (unless the individual exhibits psychiatric diagnoses, in which case he or she had better not be in this group). More likely itâs an emotional void, made worse by problematic beliefs and self talk. And bingo games just donât fill the emptiness.

I donât hold your parents responsible, your sisters or brothers, or your place in the family (unless you are among the 20-30 per cent who we estimate have been sexually abused, and then I do hold them responsible). But for those who face the usual problems of life ÷and there are many ÷ I hold you, me, and each of us (who are in touch with reality ÷ not seeing little things or hearing little voices) responsible.

Research suggests that itâs far more likely what we say to ourselves than what happened in our pre-pubescent years that counts later in life. If we say, ÎI must be loved at all times, I should be cared about, itâs a catastrophe that things arenât my way,â then Iâm likely to feel so sorry for myself that Iâm thrown into the arms of another (of course, I had nothing to do with it myself!).

So if youâre going to an addiction group and start hearing tales that will make your hair stand on end· itâs time to pack up and say goodnight. If the group talks about solutions and doesnât dwell on problems, youâve got good support.

Meanwhile, though, Iâd strongly suggest that you complement your support therapy with the assistance of an educated therapist. And help your group work toward solutions not problems.

Most important, there are serious psychiatric illnesses having to do with sexual urges, such as pedophilia, urges for dominance leading to non consensual sex, and so on. And these, I assure you, require expert assistance by specialists· not groups and not therapists without certain expertise. Weâre all entitled to the best, and we can find it.