Did Santa get lost last year? *iStock photo
Did Santa get lost last year? *iStock photo

Dear Santa,

Hope all’s well and your preparations for the big night are going okay.

I’ve seen a fair bit of you recently on those Mercedes ads and, I’ve got say, they are doing my head in already. Your delivery business is clearly booming judging by your new ride but a word of advice — don’t go too hard too early with the whole TV thing. In a couple of weeks you get full exposure regardless and you don’t want to be getting on everyone’s ****. Just sayin’.

Forgive me if that sounded s***** but, to be honest, I’m still a little miffed you missed me out last year.

Maybe the reindeer were too tired to make it to my part of Middle Road or maybe your helpers were confused by my new address – it’s APARTMENT D by the way. Not difficult.

Initially I thought it was because my place has no chimney but my Ace Boy doesn’t either and you managed to sort him out fine.

Then I thought maybe I wasn’t well behaved enough — but then I saw Joey do that thing in The Beach that no-one talks about…  and he got a new i-Pad.

So better customer service would have been appreciated but I’m going to let it slide this once because I know you’re a good man at heart Santa and I can never forget when you fixed me up with that Gameboy back in the day. 

Anyway, last year taught me I can get by without gifts — although that new Samsung Swizzle Hover Fly 3000 phone I asked for would have came in handy.

So this year I’m going to ask for stuff for other people. You can’t snub them too and, now I realise, it’s about giving not receiving – although if I’d seen you hanging out at the Dandy Town Boxing Day match last year I’d have probably clocked you. I’m not bitter, though. So S-Dawg — it’s okay if I call you that, right? — here’s what’s on my Christmas list this year.

Some Cassava Pie for the island’s homeless and some new trainers for Damon, our ‘Walking Man’. A bottle of black for the perennially-cheerful staff on the ferries and some expanding gum for the checkout girls at MarketPlace – hopefully that will finally stop them asking me ‘if I’ve found everything I was looking for’.

And then… actually this is mug. We moan a bit but we’re doing okay here in Bermuda. Things aren’t that bad and I can live without an i-Pad. Just look after the island’s kids and head on to the Philippines — those guys need you far more right now.

But if you do return home this way, and fancy popping in, it’s Apartment D. Just for your records, obviously.